Sunday, August 7, 2011

Cape Traffic

Let's talk about people who can't drive. Let's talk about traffic laws. Let's talk about Cape Cod. Then, let's put all these elements together on a Sunday in the summer when all the Cape Cod escapists are pouring (like the rain) off the Cape and into two funnels of traffic.

I'm going to do this post Cutlet-style because it requires a barrage of thoughts that may or may not be all related. Enjoy.

*This post was requested by a few folks online - Justin, Todd, John, Clair and Eric.

Rain causes the synapses in the brain to short out and reduces common sense by about 89% in most humans.

People feel the absolute need to drive FASTER when they can't see in an attempt to get off the road faster. This is good because many of them go flying off the road into ditches when they resort to this tactic.

The Cape is just a place with sand and overpriced EVERYTHING. Why not stay in your hometown and spend half the money, none of the gas, and less of the aggravation by contributing to the local economy.

Sand is horrible when you get it inside your clothes.

The Cape is full of great white sharks now. And none of them are as cuddly as the mechanical ones in JAWS.

The summer help at every Cape Cod store and restaurant have only disdain for tourists (and even if you're from Bourne you're a tourist) and likely spit in your food or put bedbugs in your hotel bed.

If you took a day off during the week, you'd be able to travel to and from the Cape in 25% of the time and therefore enjoy a lot more vacation for your money and exertion.

Don't get me started on how all the residents of the Cape are 700 years old and drive 11MPH in the fast lane with all their wipers on and one turn signal flashing fast enough to trigger epilepsy in the afflicted.

And that's my little soapbox on Cape Cod and why you shouldn't go there. Also why you shouldn't drive in the rain. And why a vacation should take place when nobody else is going to the same destination - because the last thing you want to deal with in another city on your vacation is some ignorant and ill-mannered American.